I had a conversation with the monogamous man!

A good friend of mine and I have discussed the topic of monogamy many times over the years. While he has agreed that most men are not monogamous, he has remained steadfast in his claim that 20% of men are.  This is of course based on his social circle. And we all know that men are open and honest with each other and share intimate details of their lives. NOT! He has repeatedly and specifically named two of his friends over the years that he insists are happily married and that he would bet his life, have never cheated and never will!

So finally, I had the pleasure of meeting one of these freaks of nature. One of what I will call the “20 percenters” of my friend’s monogamous world. The subject came up after he asked me what my marital situation was. After I explained that there was no short answer to that question the topic of conversation switched to the failing marriage of another guy in the 20% group.  From there the conversation shifted to the scary relationship my friend was actually engaged in.  Somehow it ended up fueling my beliefs or lack thereof.

I shared my thoughts on the subject. After learning that I as a woman, wasn’t sure I believed that monogamy was natural or realistic,  especially for men, the discussion took a 180-degree turn.  My friend stepped away to take a call from the psycho stalker he was dating and his friend admits (as I fully expected) that it was a tremendous challenge to remain faithful, but insisted that in his ten years of marriage, he had never strayed. He then went on to say that not a day would go by where he doesn’t lay eyes on a woman that he doesn’t desire or fantasize about having sex with. He expressed the need for attention and stated that he felt it was impossible to recapture the excitement and the newness.  Now there’s a newsflash. He continued that it was very hard (you may take that literally) to not act on those desires. He felt the need to be desired. What was interesting is that this so-called “happily married” man said that if he ever got divorced, he would probably NOT marry again.   He did add the disclaimer that this was subject to change as he, like most, had no desire to grow old alone. He said that he wishes daily that he could split himself in two. One part of him would remain faithful, monogamous and dedicated to his wife. The other part would sleep with other women and fulfill the strong desire that he has to do so and more often these days, has a difficult time ignoring.

Several times during the conversation he mentioned a close female confidant at work that he’s discussed his feelings with openly.  He went on to share that he was also being very candid with me about his feelings and that it was not something he had yet shared with his male friends!  (My friend that thinks he’s a guy that will never cheat!)  I don’t know much about horse racing, but I’d bet on this horse all day long. I just can’t decide if the horse wins or loses! This of course, depends on your views on monogamy and marriage. He suggested that his male friends would not understand his feeling that way!

Huh? I’m willing to bet that they do.  My bet is that they all feel exactly the same. And if they were women, they would tell each other!   In closing, he suggested that overall he was happy in his marriage and loved his wife. I have no reason to believe that he doesn’t love his wife because, in my opinion, his desire to have sex with other women has absolutely nothing to do with his love for his wife. He said that they had actually talked about the subject, which I believe is proof that they have a deeper relationship. Perhaps their relationship is one of those exceptions.  I’m not sure since I talked to the man for all of 40 minutes.   But I will say that he seemed relieved to talk about it with someone that he felt understood, or was at least attempting to understand. He also agreed with me that he believes that monogamy is absolutely unnatural and that society dictates what is right and wrong and what the rules are.  Most people are just attempting to follow the rules. Now I get that without any rules, there would be chaos.   I get that society prefers monogamy because there is the belief that the benefits outweigh the costs. But should monogamy be treated as the only legitimate option in relationships?   Societal norms just don’t work for everyone. Okay so back to my 20% guy conversation…..

Based on our conversation I’m not 100% convinced, he belongs in the 20% my friend often referred to. I’m not convinced he’ll stay married. I believe he is dedicated to being dedicated, but he himself shared with me that five years ago his views were totally different than they are today. He said the first five years of his marriage he could not even conceive of the idea of infidelity.  Five years later, not so much!