All or Nothing?

The one. We have all (grown folks) spent most of our lives in search of “THE ONE”. (Our soul mate) That one person to fulfill all of our needs, expectations and our deepest desires.

He or she is supposed to be our everything.   For a woman, “our one” should provide stability and adventure, turn us on, be our best friend, our partner, our ride or die, be reliable and be our protector. He or she should also fulfill our sexual need, fantasy, and desire.

Damn, I’m exhausted from just typing all of that. That’s a pretty tall order. But this is what has been drilled into on heads by society, from childhood fairy tales, romance novels and movies and maybe even our parents. That’s the loop playing over and over in our brains. This is what you are looking for! (insert record scratch here)

News flash. He or she, “the one” doesn’t exist. No one person will be all of those things in your life and if you are currently in a relationship and you can check all those boxes, congratulations! You should call Guinness! You are definitely the exception, not the rule! That or you’ve probably been together for let’s see, about 8 days.

That’s not to say you can’t be happy in a relationship if you can’t check all the boxes, but the key is open and honest conversations and realistic expectations. You will hear me say that often.

Some boxes will be more important than others. It depends upon the individuals. Maybe you’re an extremely successful woman who can provide her own stability. That’s common these days. Maybe you’re a female kick-ass boxer and don’t need a protector.

That being said, all of us have desires and needs and it’s highly unlikely (pretty much impossible) that any one person will ever fulfill them all, at least not long term. Death do us part wasn’t always 50-75 years. There was a time when old age was what we consider middle-aged, so the rules we attempt to follow now, were written a very long time ago and quite possibly, no longer apply. Life long exclusivity may now be a pretty unreasonable expectation. An expectation that may only serve to plant the seeds from which secrecy and betrayal will grow.

Many of us consider it infidelity for our partner to even have any friends of the opposite sex. We are supposed to be the only man or woman they need in their lives. Really? That female or male friend might be able to give him or her some opposite-sex advice he or she desperately needs to hear. People say men and women can’t be friends and to that, I call bullshit. I have several male friends. They don’t want me and I don’t want them! We are friends. Just friends. One or two of them for 15-20 years. (no extra benefits!)

At the end of the day, truth is, we are social beings. We need more than one person in our lives.  It still takes a village.  It doesn’t mean that because this other person or people are part of their lives that they love you any less.  It doesn’t mean there is a desire for anything more than friendship.  You can’t be someone’s everything.  You can try, but it’s exhausting. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

 So perhaps, stop looking for “all” or you’ll end up with “nothing.”