I know where have I’ve been?

I’m back bitches!!!! That’s a joke. Before you get your panties in a bunch, I’m not calling anyone a bitch. Not today, anyway.  I think it’s a line from a movie or sketch.  I don’t know, it just sounded funny to me.

Anyway, I got a tad sidetracked. One day late spring, I looked in the mirror and I realized that I had aged. No big deal! We all do. Okay, it is a big deal, but beats the alternative! The best thing we can do is accept it and keep it moving! I am working on that!

I think I noticed because I had my glasses on for some reason I rarely do in the mirror.  If your vision is impaired due to aging eyes, you may not notice, but oh my God, I noticed that day.  I have to admit I became a tad obsessed with aging or should I say anti-aging if there’s such a thing.  I don’t think there is.  Shhhh.  I started researching, writing and learning about hormones and believe it or not, the topics ARE related, but I’ll get to that down the line.   In any event, a recent conversation about monogamy (or lack thereof) compelled me to get back on it! So I’m back. (I’m whispering bitches to myself, okay?)

Okay, so during this conversation with a woman twice divorced because of infidelity, she said to me, “There’s a special place in hell for women who sleep with married men.” Ouch! There may be, but I promise you this, it’s crowded in there. There are so many women waiting to get in, there is a line outside with velvet ropes! It’s so crowded, you have to get picked out of a line just to get in because that’s where the party is.  No, I’m just kidding. I’m just trying to say this place in hell is crowded!  It is so crowded, that only one married man relationship might not get you in.

Some women stand in line and they are bewildered. How did I get here? What am I doing in this line? I didn’t know he was married. And in response to that, you may say, “ How could you not know?” (Insert sinister and sarcastic laugh track here)

Never mind that she herself had her own indiscretions. But I’m not judging her for her acts or her comments. Trust me I’m in no position to judge anybody! Everybody has a story. But I feel compelled to respond here because you see I was “that other woman” with that “reservation in hell. “ And I know plenty of other women who have been that woman with the reservation in hell. The reservations are not that hard to come by these days.

I’ll tell you one thing, if I’m going there, there will be lots of familiar faces. I have been on both sides of that equation. Wrote a book about it want to hear it? Here it go! Keep up! (In living color circa, I’m not sure what year that was.)

But my soon to be published book(s) “Side Piece, Untold Stories, Volumes I, II, and III includes thirty-six stories all told from the perspective of “that other woman.” Many based on true events and real people with bits and pieces of my own experiences woven throughout. Some stories were told to me, while others inspired by overheard conversations. Yup, you talk too loud! Some stories inspired by conversations with complete strangers.

I would be out writing. (I never wrote at home.) I needed to be around people to be inspired. So often I would post up on the left side of the bar with a Pinot Noir since I’m left-handed.  People would just sit next to me and ask me what I was writing.  Sometimes I would be laughing hysterically looking like I missed my meds.  I’m actually surprised anyone sat there.  Once I told them I was writing about monogamy, specifically about “that other woman,” people would just tell me their stories. They would share their experiences or stories that they themselves had heard.  True inspiration and plentiful!

I didn’t know their names, but they just opened up like I was Dr. damn Phil. No need to protect their names because I had no idea who they were and I never saw any of them again. But, I realized almost everyone that sat next to me during that seven-eight year period, had a story.

They had a story about “that other woman” now lovingly known as the “sidepiece.” (okay, not so lovingly) But I digress, back to that “special place in hell” for women just like me.

Women have ended up in these situations in a number of ways. Sadly, some by choice and more often these days then one would imagine.  She’s had a number of bad relationships and she herself has been cheated on.  She’s no longer interested in getting her heart broken again or to be in a so-called “real” relationship. She did it for the sex. (Not too difficult to find a willing married man for that role.) That line is longer than the line at Costco for toilet paper!

She may have believed married men were safer for her in a number of ways.  There’s no hope of a relationship. She believed she would NOT fall in love and get her heart broken.

Or, it’s that “Is what it is” syndrome.  Sadly, she’s usually dead wrong.  The lie she tells herself.  She’s not going to fall in love and she knows he’s not leaving his wife. Perfect. NOT.  She thought all she wanted was sex and so did he. Except, I call BS.  He should’ve known she was going to fall in love because that’s what we do. Well not always. There are always exceptions of course, but we are not talking exceptions right now. We are talking about rules!  At the end of the day, both should have known that this is not how it works!

Women “catch feelings,” is how a friend would describe the situations to me.   “Women always catch feelings and then try to be hurt.” Yep, that’s exactly what we do. We try to be hurt! You figured us out, Einstein!

You have to get the book #Moody Bitches, by #Dr. Julie Howard. She really breaks down the difference between the way men and women are wired physiologically, emotionally, hormonally and how our brains, they’re just not the same.  I’m sure many of you already knew that, but to fully understand, I recommend Dr. Julie Holland’s book.  It really explains it and easy to understand terms.  She breaks down the chemistry of attraction and how it changes to the chemistry of attachment.  Maybe I’m late to the party. School was a long time ago, and I actually bought the book while doing research for my aging project. #MyBlackisnotcracking. Coming soon! But there is some really helpful advice in there for both men and women about relationships, sex, and hormones! You will find more on this in future posts.

So, while I understand the anger and bitterness expressed by this woman that day, (and I’m in no way suggesting that relationships with married men or women for that matter are okay) I’m just not quite ready to send anyone to that “special place in hell.” Because nine times out of ten being the other woman, you have already experienced hell.  Now you can go ahead and say she deserves it if you like.

Just keep in mind, good people make mistakes. No one is perfect. Nope, not even you.